This isn’t a post I would have ever wanted to write. But I suppose I do need to explain how and why I’m here.
It really started the weekend after Easter. My dad told me that someone had finally made an offer on my parents’ house. And they accepted. And they would be moving at the end of May. And that they would be going through with their divorce.
I think it was the same week that a dear friend of ours shared that she needed a place to stay this summer–and Drew and I decided to open our home. She was supposed to move in after graduation towards the end of May since her parents had rented the house out until then.
And May began as it has for the past four years, with me in tears over my miscarriages and the growth that I’ve seen since then.
At the time, Drew and I were praying that he would get a new job. We stopped when we felt God leading us to give it up. We started praying for a house instead.
And then Drew got a call one day about a job. In our city. And while we were cautious, we were excited when he got it! He was to work for an extra week and a half before starting his new job.
Then Lily swallowed a penny and ended up in the emergency room and even the children’s hospital in the next state! The peace of God surrounded us as we waited all night and the next morning for the procedure to take place, and all I could do for the next day was praise God that she was safe. Here. With us. God is so good! I am still floored by the simple grace of being allowed another day with my girls.
Drew didn’t go back to work that week. Instead, he started his job on Tuesday. And we had another scare. The nurse practitioner said that he needed to see a neurologist because one pupil was dilated more than the other. We were concerned about it, but God again gave us peace.
The next day, while seeing a doctor who could refer him to a neurologist, he was told that the nurse practitioner was stupid. The doctor ended up doing another physical because the nurse practitioner wouldn’t accept the doctor’s diagnosis. Thankfully he was able to start his job on Wednesday!
Then on Thursday, our friend moved in. While it’s vastly different than what we’re used to, it has been a huge blessing on both our parts. Drew and I keep talking about how this is what we’re supposed to be doing with our lives: being a blessing for others.
It’s why we want the house we’re looking at, The Bluebird House. It’s why we would love to continue ministering to others. Because loving others is what we have been called to do as disciples, and we’re ready to live that out.
All of this collided with my parents’ divorce, of course, and all of the emotions that come with that. It’s not been easy. Not nearly.
I have wanted to give up. To stay low. To stay hidden. But each time I decided to, I had 5 reasons why I couldn’t. And so–a catalyst.
A catalyst that keeps me moving forward when I want to stay behind. A catalyst that keeps motivating me, pushing me onward. Even when, a week or so later while my husband was leading our student ministry at camp, my mom called and said she couldn’t make it because her car needed maintenance. Even when, while alone with my girls for nearly 24 hours, my two-year-old shut the door behind me, accidentally triggering the deadbolt and locking me out of the house for 10 minutes that felt like eternity (without my phone or any way of contacting anyone–and I finally got in by kicking the front door until the deadbolt turned back and I was able to get back inside!) Even when, as if things couldn’t get worse, my two-year-old opened the garage door and my ten-month-old crawled outside to explore…and found rat poison…and thankfully it’s actually fairly common and she was completely fine! Even when, after ALL OF THAT, we headed out of town that afternoon to a wedding and stayed out visiting with friends until we were the last ones there.
And yes, the week after that I did spend on the verge of an anxiety attack every. single. second. Thankfully that has passed, and I am doing much better today. I think. 😉
I am not here today because of determination but because of wild grace. A grace that will not let me stay stagnant or comfortable. A grace that says, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love The Lord an are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28). A grace that pursues me even when I doubt the goodness of God. Praise God that He does not leave us alone!