Glimpses of Light

Spring is definitely here, and so are the allergies that come with it! I’ve been battling sinus pressure and allergies for about a week now, and thankfully my head is clearing enough to think straight! Well, most of the time. 😉

Something shifted in the past week or so, from my scripture reding to my perspective on keeping house…and most significantly in the direction my family and I are headed towards. As far as my time reading scripture, I was reading Jeremiah intently. And after finishing the book (from chapter 15 through the end), I had intended to go back and read the first 14 chapters. But as I started reading, I felt a pull towards the Psalms and away from Jeremiah. In fact, the more I read Jeremiah, the more I realized I shouldn’t be reading it. I’m not reading straight through the Psalms, just focusing on a couple of them a day and writing out the verses that speak to me specifically. It’s been different, to say the least, but the verses that stand out have been a healing balm to my soul. I’m loving this time with the Lord, and I’m excited to see what He has in store!

My perspective on keeping house has shifted too. Often, I’m just not focused on keeping the house clean. And guess what? For about a month, it was clean. Every day, or at least nearly. And then I was sick. Hardly getting off of the couch for the headaches and dizziness. (With pregnancy, I can take a handful of medications. Not many to choose from, and none nearly as effective as I’d like!) The house is still messy, and I’m still working on getting it back in order. But. I”m also planning on getting rid of our excess. We have too many toys, too many books, too many clothes…and I’m sick of it! I’m ready to throw or donate more than half of our possessions (if not two-thirds!) It’s not like we use them anyway! I’m also oddly at peace with how the house has been kept lately. I don’t know why, but “Be still and know that I am God,” has come to mind more times than I can count. I’m ready to do something big, though, and I just hope that I can muster up the energy for that!

Finally, our direction as a family has changed. It’s a hope and a dream now, but we’re working towards my husband speaking full time. Even typing that out is scary, but I know that this has been the call on his heart since before we were married. We have had several hard years of being broke as well as broken in spirit, several years of trying hard to fit in and realizing that we’re just square pegs that won’t fit into round holes. And that is okay. Because God made us both to function the way that we do. It’s not a mistake or an error on our part: it’s how He has chosen to use us in this world. Yes, I’m uncertain and uneasy. But I know that God is in control. So I’m being still and resting in Him. He knows where we’re going and what we’re doing, and even what we’ll be doing when we get there.

I’m incredibly thankful for His guidance and leading. Maybe we’ll see the end of this dark tunnel before too long.

 

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Catalysts

This isn’t a post I would have ever wanted to write. But I suppose I do need to explain how and why I’m here.

It really started the weekend after Easter. My dad told me that someone had finally made an offer on my parents’ house. And they accepted. And they would be moving at the end of May. And that they would be going through with their divorce.

I think it was the same week that a dear friend of ours shared that she needed a place to stay this summer–and Drew and I decided to open our home. She was supposed to move in after graduation towards the end of May since her parents had rented the house out until then.

And May began as it has for the past four years, with me in tears over my miscarriages and the growth that I’ve seen since then.

At the time, Drew and I were praying that he would get a new job. We stopped when we felt God leading us to give it up. We started praying for a house instead.

And then Drew got a call one day about a job. In our city. And while we were cautious, we were excited when he got it! He was to work for an extra week and a half before starting his new job.

Then Lily swallowed a penny and ended up in the emergency room and even the children’s hospital in the next state! The peace of God surrounded us as we waited all night and the next morning for the procedure to take place, and all I could do for the next day was praise God that she was safe. Here. With us. God is so good! I am still floored by the simple grace of being allowed another day with my girls.

Drew didn’t go back to work that week. Instead, he started his job on Tuesday. And we had another scare. The nurse practitioner said that he needed to see a neurologist because one pupil was dilated more than the other. We were concerned about it, but God again gave us peace.

The next day, while seeing a doctor who could refer him to a neurologist, he was told that the nurse practitioner was stupid. The doctor ended up doing another physical because the nurse practitioner wouldn’t accept the doctor’s diagnosis. Thankfully he was able to start his job on Wednesday!

Then on Thursday, our friend moved in. While it’s vastly different than what we’re used to, it has been a huge blessing on both our parts. Drew and I keep talking about how this is what we’re supposed to be doing with our lives: being a blessing for others.

It’s why we want the house we’re looking at, The Bluebird House. It’s why we would love to continue ministering to others. Because loving others is what we have been called to do as disciples, and we’re ready to live that out.

All of this collided with my parents’ divorce, of course, and all of the emotions that come with that. It’s not been easy. Not nearly.

I have wanted to give up. To stay low. To stay hidden. But each time I decided to, I had 5 reasons why I couldn’t. And so–a catalyst.

A catalyst that keeps me moving forward when I want to stay behind. A catalyst that keeps motivating me, pushing me onward. Even when, a week or so later while my husband was leading our student ministry at camp, my mom called and said she couldn’t make it because her car needed maintenance. Even when, while alone with my girls for nearly 24 hours, my two-year-old shut the door behind me, accidentally triggering the deadbolt and locking me out of the house for 10 minutes that felt like eternity (without my phone or any way of contacting anyone–and I finally got in by kicking the front door until the deadbolt turned back and I was able to get back inside!) Even when, as if things couldn’t get worse, my two-year-old opened the garage door and my ten-month-old crawled outside to explore…and found rat poison…and thankfully it’s actually fairly common and she was completely fine! Even when, after ALL OF THAT, we headed out of town that afternoon to a wedding and stayed out visiting with friends until we were the last ones there.

And yes, the week after that I did spend on the verge of an anxiety attack every. single. second. Thankfully that has passed, and I am doing much better today. I think. 😉

I am not here today because of determination but because of wild grace. A grace that will not let me stay stagnant or comfortable. A grace that says, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love The Lord an are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28). A grace that pursues me even when I doubt the goodness of God. Praise God that He does not leave us alone!

JenifferSiggy

Five Minute Friday: Finding my Stride

Here we go. I’m jumping in with both feet this morning, beginning this journey of sharing my heart with yours. Because there is a reason why this Bluebird House challenges us so, a reason why we fight for Bluebird Living, and I am certain of this: that God has asked me to share my thoughts on it here in this small space.
And so, for my very first post, I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo this morning.
Five Minute Friday
1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community.

– See more here!

GO!
Ebb and flow, in and out, these rhythms of life are so constant in some ways…and in others they’re always changing. The tide pulls in a little closer, the days gradually get longer, then shorter, and while life changes all around me, sometimes I fear it. The changes.
And at the same time, change brings growth.
So here, today, I’m not admitting defeat in other areas. I’m not worried about failures. I’m setting up another post, another landmark on the road that God has laid out for me. I’m not going to look back and wonder where I would have been if I had stayed. I’m going to keep looking ahead, always ahead, running after the goal with everything in me.

Today’s rhythm is very different than the one I had yesterday. But the point is that I am finding my stride, the one that beats closer to the heart that God has given me. The one that works with the hearts of my husband and my children. The one that excites me and gets me going in the mornings. And who would have thought that I would find it here?

STOP!

If you’re reading this, thank you for joining me here in this small space. I am so excited that you’re here! I would love to hear from you in the comments.
JenifferSiggy